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Despair (not yet, not yet)
Dec. 29th, 2025 04:27 pmThis Christmas I was going back home from the cinema; it was quite late, around 10–11 pm.
The backstreet near my apartment is close to the train station, and usually at this time it’s completely empty and dead silent, but it was strange to find it still empty and silent on such a big holiday.
Suddenly I heard a sound for which I can’t find a word—it was yelling, shrieking, howling, and hysterical crying all at once. Then I saw the source of that sound: a very young girl, probably drunk or stoned, walking all alone down the street, screaming at the top of her lungs. At times, some unintelligible words were entangled in this terrible cry. It seemed she was quarreling with someone or something invisible, something hurting her to the breaking point. A stranger came out of the station, yelled at her, then turned to me with disgust on his face, saying, “She’s tanked to the top,” and went away. But the girl didn’t even notice, continuing her terrible inner dialogue.
I continued walking for almost a minute, still hearing the girl from some 50 meters away.
The only thought that came to my mind at that moment was: “It’s me from the inside.”
Eight years of hybrid war and four years of open aggression, causing death, injuries, and misery to the people I love. But what makes me scream is not the war—it’s some people outside Ukraine who keep telling me that my country is Nazi, that our government is a corrupted clown and his friends who keep taking money from “naive Westerners” for themselves, and that the EU, which helps us, is worse than Hitler and Mussolini.
I’m trying to reason (silently in my mind, because open reasoning doesn’t work with those people). I’m trying to rationalize everything to calm myself down. I’m trying to continue doing things, because unlike words, actions change the situation.
But today, after another discussion with another “realistic Westerner,” I just can’t.
My mom wrote to me: “Here's some good news for you, it’s +17°C in our apartment. It won’t be more, but at least it’s habitable.” Yesterday they had about +8°C and falling after Russia destroyed another heating plant in Kyiv.
My mind continues to shriek and cry, just like that girl in the dark street.
The backstreet near my apartment is close to the train station, and usually at this time it’s completely empty and dead silent, but it was strange to find it still empty and silent on such a big holiday.
Suddenly I heard a sound for which I can’t find a word—it was yelling, shrieking, howling, and hysterical crying all at once. Then I saw the source of that sound: a very young girl, probably drunk or stoned, walking all alone down the street, screaming at the top of her lungs. At times, some unintelligible words were entangled in this terrible cry. It seemed she was quarreling with someone or something invisible, something hurting her to the breaking point. A stranger came out of the station, yelled at her, then turned to me with disgust on his face, saying, “She’s tanked to the top,” and went away. But the girl didn’t even notice, continuing her terrible inner dialogue.
I continued walking for almost a minute, still hearing the girl from some 50 meters away.
The only thought that came to my mind at that moment was: “It’s me from the inside.”
Eight years of hybrid war and four years of open aggression, causing death, injuries, and misery to the people I love. But what makes me scream is not the war—it’s some people outside Ukraine who keep telling me that my country is Nazi, that our government is a corrupted clown and his friends who keep taking money from “naive Westerners” for themselves, and that the EU, which helps us, is worse than Hitler and Mussolini.
I’m trying to reason (silently in my mind, because open reasoning doesn’t work with those people). I’m trying to rationalize everything to calm myself down. I’m trying to continue doing things, because unlike words, actions change the situation.
But today, after another discussion with another “realistic Westerner,” I just can’t.
My mom wrote to me: “Here's some good news for you, it’s +17°C in our apartment. It won’t be more, but at least it’s habitable.” Yesterday they had about +8°C and falling after Russia destroyed another heating plant in Kyiv.
My mind continues to shriek and cry, just like that girl in the dark street.
